Global Tender for Terrorism

{originally published in 11 Dec 2008}

We invite tender for global terrorism. If you are a mullah with a sizeable following, getting a steady flow of unaccounted spending money from a sponsor in Saudi Arabia, you are welcome to join as the “handler” of the terrorists. You will also be involved in giving guidance, indoctrination and hate instructions / literature.

We are also recruiting ‘foot soldiers’. If you are a suitably brain-dead individuals of the age 15 to 32 you can apply. You’ll be involved in causing death and destruction of your enemies (Actually, our enemy, since we can’t fight our enemy face to face. Though we believe every one of our soldier is equal to 10 of theirs because of our strong belief in our religion and god, our height and wheatish colour of our skin, things have proved otherwise and our enemy’s soldiers gave us a sound beating every single time and we lost all wars with them!).

You will be trained in unspecified rural areas. You get the chance to handle modern sophisticated weapons normally used by some of the best armies of the world.

You will get instructions from our Secret Service Agency to handle IEDs, plastics, RDX and other explosives with ease.

Our army will give you safe passage over the border or else our navy will train you to hijack trawlers so that you can attack their cities.

Your food and fare is taken care of. Special effort will be taken to train you in the latest communication gadgets. You’ll be provided local SIM cards, money in various currencies and credit cards.

However you will be known by new names and you will be part of some organization we make up like “Deccan Mujahideen”, “Madrasi Jehadi” etc.

Your family will get (worthless) One and half lakh Pakistani Rupees now (a casual laborer in India earns much more in a year, but that’s another matter) and another 1.5 lakhs after you are dead.

If you are caught or killed, we will call you “stateless actors” and say that you are involved in the same sort of terror activity in our own country.

(Unfortunately your ilk is a double-edge sword that cuts both ways. Many had turned snake and bit us. But that doesn’t mean your export has not been rewarding, both in monetary terms and pure pleasure at the destruction you cause to our enemies).

If there is pressure from USA, UK or the UN itself, your “handlers” will be put under ‘house-arrest’ so that they can enjoy their wives in comfort at our special resorts.

Now we have found an easy and relatively inexpensive way (without loss of our own lives) to send across “jehadis” and ‘”mujahideens” to do our dirty task and cause great loss of life and destruction worth crores of rupees with each strike. We have been vastly successful in this export, while all our other exports are worthless.

Our Prime Minister, Foreign Minister and Media will deny your very existence, at first. Then we will say you are part of our enemy’s plot to destabilize us (don’t be disheartened, we have done it all the time, even with our soldiers at Kargil).

We may even blame you all to be part of the Hindus’ or Jews’ or Americans or Britishers’ nefarious plot to defame our country, and say any such thing as we think necessary, at that time.

Anyways the politicians of our enemy will be falling over like nine-pins making a fool of themselves in front of the world media. They will shoot themselves in their foot by blaming us even as you fire your first shots – giving us a gleeful time.

While you lay dead, riddled with bullets and shrapnel, having killed men, women and children going about their daily lives – and being killed uselessly, we would have (perhaps) achieved our aim of getting our army to move from our Western border where we are getting plastered every day by our own Jehadis (whom unfortunately we ourselves trained, weaponized and funded).

The terror camps have been temporarily ‘taken out’ with mock battles. But after about 6 months, the heat will subside and your designated handlers will be back at their madrassas. Then it’s back to business and the camps will begin its new semester with earnest. We are adding new syllabus this year and you will surely enjoy our advanced training in sophisticated weaponry and bombs.

Remember, you’ll have a grand time in jannah with all those promised dames. Isn’t that worth it all? Please queue up.